Sensorium « Thread Started on Dec 31, 2007, 9:15pm »
Wow. I've started the very first blog for this site....I don't know if that's indeed a good thing or not, but oh well. Nonetheless, I'm talking again of my life.
Today, because of certain ''vigorous activities'' last night, I slept in until 12:43 pm today, aching from my abdomen down. I'm not complaining in the least, but it was hilarious when my sister had asked me if I was well when I unknowingly rubbed my stomach with a maniacal smile. I just told her that I would be even better in two more months......
I still can't believe that in two months, I'll finally be eighteen!!! I'll finally have the freedom to do some of the things that I've been lusting to do for seven months, one week, and five days (still counting) without parental consent. I'm still deciding what some of those things will eventually be, however, I'm well aware of one that's close to my soul and my heart. I'll finally be able to see him. I'm speechless.....surprising, isn't it?
I've also started to get back on track with my dieting. I'm still determined to reach a size eight/ ten(ish) by May. I'm not going to give up on me now; I've come too far to stop and quit on me. It's not going to happen anytime soon.
More to note: I've gotten a hold of a good friend that has very good connections with other chefs and prestigious culinary schools. So, hopefully, I'll find a school in Georgia that will take me as a student this up coming autumn semester. (specifically Chattahoochee Tech, but I'll just hope...hehe....and dream desperately)
I've got to go. Sister needs her laptop back. Until next time, late.
Re: Sensorium « Reply #1 on Feb 4, 2008, 11:13am »
I feel really drained right now.
Yesterday, I had to go to the funeral of the premature twin children of my cousin Shalonda. I could never talk to her and I felt so horrid that I couldn't connect to her at all about her children. I really wanted to meet little Tae and Riri, but the only way that I saw them was in their grave in between their half brothers and sisters.
I just recently found out that the genes in Lewis, Shalonda's boyfriend and father of the late twins, are tainted with almost every other deadly virus and disease to the point that the children either die premature or die before they see their fourth birthday.
I need to go. Classes are about to start again and I need to give the computer back to my teacher so he can do the PowerPoint for the European History Advanced Placement.
Re: Sensorium « Reply #2 on Feb 5, 2008, 10:22am »
I've begun to push all of my friends away to save them from the hurt that I know is to come. I can't be me anymore right now, and I've to make sure that everyone else will be fine. I can't worry about me now, but I need to make sure that my family and friends are well and will find peace without me to interfere. I've to go. I need to get a headstart on my homework so that I can get a couple more minutes of sleep since I'm going to be working and cleaning for the majority of the night.
Re: Sensorium « Reply #3 on Mar 10, 2008, 10:21am »
Wow. So much has happened in just a couple of weeks that I'm surprised that it's only been a month-ish since I last blogged.
1.) I've gotten to see my little nephew and niece again (not the newborns but the two oldest ones) that I've not seen in about two months. I couldn't believe just how big they've gotten. They're almost taller than me!! And they're just twelve and fourteen, respectively......I need to consider wearing stilts around them now.....
2.)I'm now officially 190 pounds; not that awesome until I remembered what I weighed this time last year.....297.....YEAH!!!! Which means that I've gone from a size 23/24 to now a size 12/13 in womens, my dresses have slimed down from 18/20 to now a size 13/14 (petite or large depending on the namebrand) in womens. I'm almost there!!!! I swear I'm going to reach 135 by my graduation and I'm almost there!!!!!!!!!!!!
3.)My ten month anniversary is coming up in one week, twelve hours, forty-two minutes and seventeen seconds (yeah, I'm counting) with my soulmate.....I'm so speechless that I can't even begin to say just how estatic I am that we've made it this far with everything that has tried to go against us. We're still very much in love and love each other with all of ourselves. I can't wait for August to come so that we can finally be together.......(squeals)
4.)Graduation and college is just around the corner for me now. I've only a couple of more things to get straight via paper work and meetings and then I'll've everything completed and I'll be ready to go to Chattahoochee Tech by this autumn semester. Yayz!!!
Okay. I've to go; I need to grade some sophomore/junior European History homework and help Adams (most favorite 40yr old virgin that is a hypie/zombie lovin' teach [he's awesome!!] that I'm office working for right now) organize his room for the Russian Revolution test and review games tomorrow. I'll try to tell of more updates that have happened. Until next time, late. Ja ne!!
Things have gone downhill and faster than I could've ever imagined. Bitch decided to get my attention when we were arguing today by gripping my throat. I told her to release me, but that seemed to be an incentive for her to tighten her hold. She let me go after a moment, but invaded my personal space and got into my face once more to try to ''connect'' with me. I couldn't take it anymore,....but she made me sit down in her room and tried to pry my rape details from me. I understand that it's been almost six years now and I should be able to talk freely about that horrible night, but I'm still not ready to do so, and the more that she tries to pressure me into talking, I'm quite positive that I will not be able to talk at all about my rape. I can't stay long. I'm in a pitiful state and I refuse to try to pretend that I am anywhere near stable.
I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL!!!! I COULD FUCKING CARE LESS ABOUT YOU! DAMN YOU ALL!!!!!
No, this post is not to anyone on here, but, to those who know who I am talking about, BnB have done it again.
I was supposed to be in Georgia this weekend. This was Adam and my anniversary/fun weekend, and guess who ruined it at the last minute? The fucktards that I unfortunately refer to in public as my shit-tastic parents, aka Bitch and Bastard (BnB). Granted, I don't mind about helping my family, but the assholes did a number on me.
My paternal grandmother (who I "affectionately" call Grandma Whorey [completely different story there]) has taken a turn for the worse and has been put in a hospital/nursing home. As most of you know, nursing homes are about as grand fucking beautiful as prison. No one really cares for the elderly there and then siphon money that we've broken our asses off to earn to just keep people alive. Well, she has an infection and they aren't sure that she's going to live.
It wouldn't have bothered me as much to stay like we are now at the hotel, but the way that those two damned motherfucking idiots blackmailed me into going is ludicrous!!! I was supposed to be leaving to day and I am supposed to be in Georgia right the fuck now, but, as you might have guessed, I am not and nor will I be able to go at all. How fucked up is that?!
Oh, not to mention that the cunt that spawned the bastard who had raped my little sister is trying to get back on speaking terms with us, but she still refers to me as a whore, slut, prostitute, you name it, she calls me and my sister that.
Let's not forget the fuckup who raped my sister is asking us to come back over to the house,....and BnB are considering going there!!!!! I don't know if they've forgotten, but my sister and I haven't forgotten what that hell hole represents.
If that wasn't enough, my eldest sister who is a wannabe ghetto-trash-prostitute looking-gold digging-alcoholic-drug abusing wretch has and is throwing my bank account into hell. She stole some of my damned checks and is writing checks for worthless shit and has made my credit score plummet. She has also passed me off as an annoyance, but still wants me to be her "middle sister''. Fuck that,...no, in fact, fuck her!!! I hate dealing with all of the bullshit that I have to from her.
My brother is going to court for a divorce,...after not listening to us about his gold digging wench he married, she has proven to him that we were right. Congrat-the fuck-ulations, kiddos. We are all going to court as of tomorrow in Jackson, Tennessee. Kickass awesome, I know. Not to mention that she's fighting for custody and we have to testify against and for my brother. That bitch.
I have also found out that college is going to have to be postponed once again (fucking credit scores) because of my eldest sister and BnB (don't even want to go into detail).
My adopted family members have pretty much written us out of their lives and I don't blame them, but they all believe the shit that I am all of the derogatory names that bitch (aka my paternal aunt) had called me so many times. Oh, and have told my nieces and nephews to not talk to me again because I am a "bad influence".
And, to add to the pain, I have offically lost my first best friend. She has pretty much told me that I am too much of a burden to her and I have made it hard for her to keep her sanity.....my only wish is that she would have told me this sooner....then it wouldn't be as hard to stop being depressed.....fuck it all....
In short, my life is a living hell all over again. Fucking fun, right?
Ja ne
« Last Edit: Sept 19, 2008, 11:22pm by SaiyaIsis »
“Because I believe that in the basic laws of survival, that the consumption of food and fresh water is a higher necessity than clothing; since wearing such is only an option developed by the mannerisms of a sophisticated society.”
SaiyaIsis Administrator Celestial Mistress member is offline
I gaze at the moon each night so that the city will not pierce my equilibrium to its core.....
...I'm embarrassed to say that I've done the unthinkable once more,...I've started slipping back in my chaotic depression,....I've begun cutting myself again. I am well aware of the fact that it's nowhere near what I should be doing and that I am pushing the envelope of my sanity,...but to be honest, I could no longer care of my health and if it so happens that I might slit a bit too deep in the future, well, then I hope that I've all the things I need in order by then.
Most of the time, I don't condone self-inflicting wounds, whether it be by physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual,...but, as everything has been going, I just say fuck it now...I can't find my smokes and right about now, I'm four beers (or maybe two,...I lost count) away from ignorant bliss, I've mowed through seven Camel Lights: Frost/No. 9, and the smell of stale blood and vomit is still reaching my nose.....in some idiotic way, I find all of this peaceful,....I can't explain it nor do I wish to say how or why I am this far gone, but it's painfully wonderful.....
I hate being so alone,...I loathe the fact that each and every time I try to come out of hiding, I tend to be self destructive and lethal for all the people in my life who try to find a path inside of me.....I am a monster,.....
I feel intense pain on my inner thigh now...the cut''s steadily growing wider and deeper,..I missed the smell of this sweet crimson.....I want to see my artery release all of my fury, my anguish, my isolation,...everything......I don't want to keep up this facade that I'm okay...I want someone to hold me now; I want to stop gazing from far away at a happiness that I will never possess, know, or experience. I want someone to take me by the hand and hold me close to their beating heart as I lay dying. I want to at least hear someone tell me that they are happy that I am gone and that life will exist peacefully without me on my last dying breath. I want to feel my breast heave out a final sigh as I enter a world of complete serenity and exquisite peace....does that make me even more insane than I am now?
Oh well,...fuck it. I'm feeling my buzz set in and it's really draining my energy. I'm down to the last beer and Aqua-Sanguina Meditation is in order after this.
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I'm still deciding what some of those things will eventually be, however, I'm well aware of one that's close to my soul and my heart. I'll finally be able to see him. 
I'm speechless.....surprising, isn't it?
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I have a mini 'fro now.